Friday, June 18, 2010

Bad, Blogger! No Cookie for you!

So it's official. I am just awful at keeping up with this thing. You'd think that since I set the pace that I'd have no problem, but alas, I do. Much has happened since the last time I wrote. I have some awesome online dating stories to share, but quite honestly I just don't have the energy for that today because aside from the fact that I had a two and a half hour job interview and dinner with my grandmother (who suffers from dementia) I've had a 3 year old crawling around me for a while and I'm completely drained!

So, by way of conciliation, I present you with a head scratcher:
Exhibit A: a precious, angel, tea light holder. This is something we sell at the gift store I work it. They're quite popular around the holidays and Mother's Day.

The company that makes the angel is even nice enough to provide you with the tealight. Comes already in the holder when you open up the box. Isn't that convenient?! Not to mention thoughtful!

Then, one day I found a lonely tea light had been knocked to the floor. I went to go replace it in the angel and I noticed something. I took a picture so I could show you too!

I think it's fairly clear, but in case you can't read it, it says, "For decorative use only. Material may be flammable and is not intended for use of tea light."

If you're anything like me this little warning label took you by surprise. Sure, you see silly warning labels on McDonald's coffee cups warning you that your hot coffee might be hot, irons that tell you not to iron your clothes while you're in them and hairdryers that think you're dumb enough to try drying your hair while still in the shower, but this is different. All of those warning labels just assume that you're an idiot. Yeah, it's insulting, but these United States of ours is crazy over lawsuits and I understand that companies have to protect themselves from these sorts of things.

This warning label smacks of mischief. No, I take that back. Unscrewing the top of the salt shaker is mischievous. This is more...insidious. Sure, the company is warning you from danger. "Don't put this thing to close to flame. It could go up on ya!" while at the same time providing you with something to set on fire. I asked a fellow co-worker for an opinion on this one. I figured that my brain might be too befuddled to make sense of it. She suggested that perhaps this tea light holder, that isn't meant to be put near heat, might be meant for the LED type of tea light. OK, I'd buy that maybe that's what they intend, but then why give you the wrong kind of tea light? Do they feel bad that they're denying you the satisfaction that only a real flame can bring and so they offer you this candle in the hopes that you will use it with some other type of candle holder? Perhaps the type that isn't flammable?

Or, does this company secretly want to see your house, all your worldly possessions and perhaps the family pet, go up in smoke? They wouldn't get blamed for it. After all, they warned you...

Friday, February 5, 2010

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

So I was over at my friend's house for dinner the other night when she shows me a picture that my "nephew" made in school. It had caused a bit of confusion for his teacher, who had the caption dictated to her. Here's the picture:

So in case you can't read it, it says, "My favorite, favorite, favorite place to go is Disney World and we stay in a hotel. We take an airplane and it makes potatoes grow in my ears."

Go ahead, read that last sentence again. It either left you confused or laughing. Maybe both. I laughed, of course, but I also knew exactly what he was talking about.

As an adult, have you ever thought about the things we say to children?? Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy aside we tell them all sorts of crap. Most of them outright, though pretty funny, lies. For example: the stork. I mean, seriously! A stork brings babies to us?! Think about that for a second. Isn't it just a little bit horrifying? Would you trust any animal to transport an infant by itself, never mind a bird?!

My own absolutely wonderful mother, whom I adore, told me some whoppers. For instance, she broke me of lying when I was little by telling me my tongue turns black when I lie. Also, the gypsies lived behind Toys R Us and if I acted up while we were in the store it would be oh so easy for her to drop me off with them so I could join them in their nomadic lives. I was an angel as a child, so these crazy stories are apparently effective.

It isn't just parents that tell tales though. This leads me back to my nephew. He was only 2 the first time he went to Disney and he was sitting next to my mom on the flight. During take off he covered his ears and started whining. Mom asked him if he was ok and he told her "I can't like these potatoes in my ears." I thought it was funny, obviously, but I instantly understood what he meant. When I was little and I had to go to the doctor's office for a check up I very distinctly remember being weirded out by the otoscope. Noticing my trepidation he told me that was what he used to look in my ears. "For what?" I asked. "To see what you have growing in there. Potatoes, carrots, tomatoes...."

So when the air pressure in the cabin caused my nephews ears to hurt, he assumed it was because he had grown potatoes in there. Just like the doctor had been looking for. Remember this story the next time you talk to a young child. You never can tell what will stick with them. I still won't venture behind that Toys R Us...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Happy New Year!

Alright, it's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted but it was the holidays, cut me some slack. Holidays in retail are never fun, but let me tell you, I'd have to say this was the least stressful holiday season I've had in a very long time. I attribute a lot of it to NOT working in a mall. Malls are just....awful.

That being said....Happy New Year! I for one am very happy that 2010 is here because 2009 was really terrible for me. Not that I think an arbitrary day on the calendar is a magical fix-all, but it's as good a time as any to make a change and start from a clean slate. I don't really do "resolutions" per se, but I think it's always a good idea to have some goals. So let's talk for a minute about goals for 2010.

2010 Goals:

1) Get a full time job (preferably one with benefits because no insurance is no fun)
2) Exercise. I'm such a lazy bum these days, and quite honestly I wouldn't mind if I felt comfortable in a bikini again.
3) Pay off the debt I incurred while living with the ex. This goal is highly dependent on achieving #1.
4) Build up my savings account. Again, both Goals #1 and #3 would have to be satisfied for this to be accomplished.
5) Meet and marry Alexander Skarsgard. Unrealistic? Sure, but they say if you shoot for the moon if you miss you still land among the stars. I'm hoping if I shoot for an international model/actor who has been named "Sweden's Sexiest Man" 9 times then I might end up with a halfway decent guy in the end.

What about you? What do you hope to accomplish in the New Year?